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I need more sex than my husband can provide

Dear LiveWise,
I have been married for 10 years and I feel I can’t go on anymore. I love my husband so much it hurts to have to tell him I want to leave. We have been fighting for four years now, since my dad died, and even more so for the last year, after my mom died. Mainly it’s because I need more sex and intimacy than he can provide.

I feel lost without my parents and I need human contact but he can’t seem to find it important enough to give it to me. He says he loves me but doesn’t have a sex drive any more. He is in his mid-40s and healthy. The more I ask about it the more he holds it back from me. We used to make love almost every other day for five years. Now it’s excuses all the time. Today he says: “I’m too tired.” Tomorrow, “my hip hurts.” The next day, “maybe tomorrow.”

If I have to do everything myself, why should I be married?

While you could have given sex the spotlight, I feel your problem is more rooted in prolonged grief. Grief after the loss of someone dear to us is a normal response. But each individual responds differently basing on the depth of their relationship with the deceased. Some of its direct effects are: denial and isolation, anger either towards the deceased, an object or family member, bargaining about what could have been done differently, depression and acceptance.

Usually if you have not reached acceptance, then you are still grieving. In an intimate relationship, some people may have intense desire or hate sex; others resort to substance abuse, over-eating or loss of appetite to deal with their grief. No one should blame you for what you are experiencing; however, what you shouldn’t ignore is how it’s affecting your life.

You need to first get over the grief. Blaming others may crop in, in this case towards your husband; however, be resilient and keenly reflect on issues like what your parents meant to you, what you hoped to accomplish with, or for them, what you feel you could have done differently and how you can preserve their memory.

Allow yourself to re-experience emotions that may come up such as crying, anger, shame, guilt and deal with them immediately; do not block them. This will release you from the prison of grief. You need a lot of support and you must let your husband be your main source of strength rather than the target of your anger.

Work on any negative thoughts and turn them into positive affirmations such as: ‘I love my husband, I must stop masturbation, I must make our intimacy fulfilling, I won’t quit’, etc; this will go a long way in enabling you overcome this situation.


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